Shame and Vulnerability

We all secretly fear the Box of Shame

Shame.  It's disquieting.  It's pernicious. It can make a grown humanoid shrivel and wilt in a moment.

Can you relate to the terror in this little dog's eyes?  What lengths would you go to in order to avoid that Box of Shame?? And the picture suggests that little Fido has multiple shame days, each with its "raison du jour." Can you imagine what life would be like if you got put in this box every time you made a mistake?

We don't talk about the shame we experience because we don't want anyone to know.  Since nobody else mentions anything about their shame and their fears of being exposed as worthless miserable heaps of fraud, we can think we're the only ones.

Shame. We'll do anything to avoid it. Hide. Procrastinate. Chicken out on a big opportunity. Play it safe. Some people seek to avoid shame through numbing. Addictive behaviors. Drinking. Smoking. Using drugs. Video games. Sex. Television. Facebook. Food.  Bingeing. Bingeing and purging. Avoiding food altogether.

Shame points the spotlight on our imperfections.  Well, here's the news flash/cosmic joke:

Nobody is perfect. We have all experienced shame. 

Shame requires that we worry about how others perceive us. Unchecked, it will lead to anxiety, depression, and misery. We leave our lives in the hands of other people.  The Buddha put it this way:

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

This isn't cynicism. This is the truth.  It's foolish to count on someone else for your safety and reassurance.  Sooner or later, there will be a problem.  First and foremost, you need to be there for yourself. That's not self indulgence. That's good solid self care. 

Unfortunately, we sometimes encounter people who point out our flaws. They criticize, analyze, and judge your life, and then will tell you how they think you should handle your affairs. 

I wasted some good months this year procrastinating because I worried about what someone else might think about what I was doing.  I didn't want to fail, or look stupid.  Or be judged.

...Then I realized, wow. I've failed a lot, and I've looked stupid more than a few times.  And there are people out there who have judged me negatively.  Yes, I have my fair share of haters. That used to make me squirm, feel worthless, and toss and turn at night. I used to shiver in the dark at the idea that there are people out there who don't even know me yet who will dislike me in the future. 

Here's the reality though.  I'm still here!  There are a handful of people who DO like me and what I do.    And I've learned from MOST of my mistakes. 

The antidote to shame paralysis? 

Let go! You might find that those risks you're so afraid of will lead to some of the most amazing and rewarding moments of your life.  It takes practice, but once you experience the freedom, you'll do it again, and again!  As long as you are considerate of others, who cares what people think of you and your foolish notions?  Chances are someone will think you're brilliant!!

Quit benching yourself because some jerk doesn't think you should be doing this. Or wearing that. Did Einstein waste time combing his hair? No! Did the person who put the little dog in a square plastic tub stop to think about what they were doing?  Heck no!

Trust me. It will be okay.   Let your freak fly!! Chances are you aren't nearly as freakish as you think. Even if you are, you'll probably make someone's day!!!  

Take a good look in the mirror and start trusting the person you see there. That's the person you need to worry about.  Choose to believe that you can trust your intuition Don't let anyone talk you out of the beauty of your dreams.

As long as you're acting with integrity, and working on pursuits that you believe in, you'll be all right.  As long as your inner voice and your conscience are in line. 

It involves sticking your neck out.  

I read in a blog just yesterday that successful people are that way because they act with confidence. It's more important than having a high iq.

Think I'm kidding?  I offer you no finer example than the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.  He got his brain, but he completely screws up his recitation of the Pythagorean theorem. Since he does it with confidence, most people don't really even notice.   Did you notice??  I didn't...  Probably because the Pythagorean Theory has not had any bearing on my life since my sophomore year in college. 

Let shame take a holiday...  Take a risk.  Let yourself be vulnerable. As Brene Brown tells us, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity!" Be like the scarecrow and remember that you were born to twist in the wind a little. Take action. It's better than remaining in the shadows, as Stephen Gilligan says, "Putting your mind on numb and running out the clock." Remember the 20-40-60 rule.  In our 20's we worry about what other people think. In our 40's we don't care what other people think.  In our 60's we realize nobody has been thinking about us (they're worried about how they look through YOUR eyes!) 

  "You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm!"  -Colette. 

And one last tidbit from Eleanor Roosevelt (or Nancy Reagan depending on your political druthers:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 

My question to you is, would you rather be in the game, or on the sidelines?
Take your place in the arena, or the Box of Shame?  
Ready, Set, Choose!!